What my Family Should Know in the Event of my Demise

As you know, I never married and I don't have any kids--unless you count the feral children who live in the woods behind the house. They come up on the back porch occasionally, where I leave food out for them. Whenever they see me, they hiss and run away, so don't be surprised if they treat you the same way.

I've occasionally mentioned on my Facebook page "the loathsome hellspawn that lives in the crawlspace under the house." I'm sure most people have assumed that was just part of my macabre sense of humor. But you should be aware, especially if you intend to sell the house, that it wasn't a joke. He (I don't know his name) is the reason for the two padlocks on the crawlspace door. The keys to the padlocks are in the "key bowl" in the kitchen, where I keep my car keys. He feeds on human flesh, but I've found that if I dig up a fresh corpse from the nearby cemetery about once a month, that will keep him sated. (The corpses, of course, are already dead, so there's no need for murder, despite what he might tell you). The corpses also keep him from trying to escape and going after the feral children who live in the woods. The shovel and other grave robbing implements are on the back porch, near the cat food bowl. I can easily fit one dead body in the trunk of my car, and I've been doing that for years so if you intend to sell the car, you might want to air out the trunk and use plenty of Fabreze.

I think that covers the important stuff, but if I left anything out, you can probably contact me through Charlie, the Tarot card reader from the coffee house. He's actually a very adept medium, so he should be able to contact my ghost if you have any further questions.