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13 Ways to Detect Vampires Online

* They have user names like Vlad1428 and IWontKillYouAndDrinkYourBloodNoSeriously
* Their Netflix binge-watching always stops at around 5 AM
* Amazon wish list disproportionately comprised of coffins
* Google history includes searches like "dental hygiene canines"
* Purchase unusually large amounts of lip balm
* Have bookmarked multiple Lifehacker articles on getting bloodstains out
* Facebook friends mysteriously stop logging in after a while
* Repeated visits to neck porn sites
* Spotify playlist includes Mozart's Requiem Mass, various Death Rock standards, and "O Fortuna" from the Carmina Burana
* Repeatedly unavailable to Skype during work hours
* Their files don't show up on mirror sites
* Never like your cute kitten pictures, but always have a nice comment when you post a photo with your Aunt Vicky who has the problem with over-prominent neck veins
* Lots of upvotes in Reddit hematology threads
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, July 20th, 2017


I admit this piece is fluff. My fond hope is that you find it to be entertaining fluff. Either way, it's fluff frolicking on the surface of a much more substantial issue, which is that increasingly, a lot of what we do happens online, in forms that can be saved, viewed, and analyzed. If there really were vampires among us, I think they would be having an increasingly hard time keeping a low profile, as uncountable multitudes of tiny facts gradually coalesce into neon signs pointing out our deepest secrets. Then again, we live in a world where people can watch horrors march past and terrible things be done and put them all in a fake context that makes them seem acceptable. Let's hope we eventually lose our stomach for that particular way of dealing with the ever-rising tide of information in our world.

- Luc Reid

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