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Fairyless Tales

Kyle Kirrin lives at 9,000 feet above sea level in Creede, Colorado, where he tends to the needs of two Irish Wolfhounds and reads for Apex Magazine.
***Editor's Warning: These Fairyless Tales are not for children***
"Far as I can tell," the Inspector said, "this little girl was complimenting the wolf's teeth right before it ripped her throat out.
"Curious," the other Inspector said.
"How about trading that cow for these here magic beans?" the Trader said.
"How fucking stupid do you think I am?" Jack said.
Three weeks later, Jack's family died of starvation.
"It fits!" Cinderella said.
"Good," the Prince said. "It seemed valuable, so. Figured I'd return it. Anyway. Thank you for the tepid water. Good luck with the poverty and all that." He left.
"But I thought--" Cinderella said.
"Go clean the chamber pots, wench," Stepmother said.
Cinderella did; they were full.
Belle pushed her way through the huge doors and into the castle. The entryway was just as she'd imagined it: with grand, twin staircases that curved to the left and right.
"Hello?" said Belle. "Is anyone home? My Father traded me for a flower, and I'm okay with that, apparently?"
"You're... beautiful," said the Beast, from the top of the stairs.
Belle screamed and ran down the hallway. She barged into the kitchen and locked the doors behind her.
"Ay, what's wrong, sugar?" said a Teapot.
Bell screamed again and leapt out the nearest window to her death.
The whale chomped down and swallowed most of Jonah.
The Tortoise crossed the finish line. "I... did... it," he said. "I... finally... did... it."
The race organizer handed him a trophy.
"Why... does... this... say... participant?" the Tortoise asked.
The Prince planted a kiss on Sleeping Beauty's lips.
"Get him!" someone said from the bushes.
The forest watch piled on top of the Prince. "The hell were you thinking?" one of them said.
"I was trying to wake her up," the Prince said.
"You figured you'd sexually assault her out of unconsciousness?"
"Well, it sounds awful when you put it like that, but yeah."
"What do you think it is?" Aladdin said.
"Uh," the shopkeeper said, "it's a lamp."
"I bet it's magic."
"It isn't. It's just a lamp."
"I'm going to rub it."
"I just feel like I should rub it for a while." Aladdin rubbed it. "Yeah, that's nice."
"I'd really prefer you not do that."
"Maybe I just need to rub it harder." He rubbed harder. "Something's definitely happening."
"I am extremely uncomfortable with this."
"Yeah, something, something's happening. I don't think it's magic, but something is--"
"Take the lamp and go."
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" the Queen said. "Hello?" She tapped the mirror. "Is this thing on?"
"What would possess someone to crawl into a bear den?" the inspector said.
"No clue. Perhaps she was lured in by some sort of irresistible breakfast cereal that was exactly the right temperature?" the other inspector said.
"That seems like the most plausible explanation."
"Case closed."
"The boulder's been moved!" Mary said. "Oh, it's as was foretold! Jesus has arisen! Our Lord--"
"He's over there," Nicodemus said.
"What?" Mary said.
"Yeah." Nicodemus said. "That's him wrapped in the white. In the corner."
"Oh. Well. Maybe... maybe we should just say he wasn't here when we came?"
"You think anyone would believe that?"
"It's definitely worth a shot."
The End
This story was first published on Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

This short piece sprang from a conversation about how poorly some of the most popular fairy tales have aged over time, particularly Snow White.

- Kyle Kirrin

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