Dear Jezzy: The Orgasm Fairy Across the Street
by Sarina Dorie
Lower Worlder Press, March 27, 2014
Three months ago, the cottage across from us was sold to two gorgeous male "muses"--or so we thought. We later learned one was an incubus and the other was an orgasm fairy. This was a respectable neighborhood before these Lower Worlders moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like sasquatches, women who look like banshees. We see devils, werewolves, and vampires. Yesterday I even saw two toilet fairies go in there! Jezzy, these weirdoes are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once respectable neighborhood?
--Disgusted in the Higher Realm
Take my advice: you could move. But not before sending that orgasm fairy my way.
The Immortal Herald, March 29, 2014
I am completely, blissfully in love with the angel I told you about. She inspires me to be a better person. I can’t imagine anything completing my life more than sharing it with her. Surely there are other poor devils out there who have fallen for immortals in the higher realm. How can I succeed in convincing her I’m not some black-hearted scoundrel who’s just using her and wants her soul?
Dear M. Devil,
So you’re saying you don’t want her soul? Not even a little? Come on, surely the thought has crossed your mind.
If you want to make that girl marry you, try what I heard another Lower Worlder once did: take her some place secluded where there are no portals so she can’t escape. Ask your question. If she refuses, smack her with a pitchfork. Ask her again. Poke her if she says no. Keep doing it until you’ve beaten her into submission. She’ll eventually say yes.
Confidential to Chupacabra In Love: It sounds like the true question isn’t: to eat a goat or not to eat a goat--but the real question is: to brush your teeth and not have goat breath, or not to--before going to your girlfriend’s house. I’d say that doesn’t sound like much of a question in the end. At least, not if you want to keep dating that vegetarian wolf-lady.
Jezebel Lincoln has been gracing the paranormal world with her love advice columns since 1612. She would someday like to go out dirty dancing with a hot, sexy jiangshi or date a djinn who will grant her wishes between the sheets. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
This story was first published on Wednesday, August 5th, 2015