art by Shothot Designs
Dear Ms. Moon
by Liz Argall
Dear Mr. Moon Man or Ms. Moon Lady,
I would like very much for gravity to continue to suck or pull or whatever it does, but if you could do so with just a bit more nuance I would be very grateful. My brother, Henry, keeps jumping off the roof in a Wonder Woman costume, and I would appreciate it very much if his limbs wouldn't break so much. Henry is very determined to fly through the air with a cape and although I tell him Wonder Woman flies an invisible plane and has no cape, he just tells me I am old school and should get with the program and Wonder Woman could kick Superman's ass any day. Last time Henry jumped off the roof, he blamed his crash landing on the cast still on his right arm. He said it pushed him off balance. Henry then left the last good mattress out in the rain, and now we have to sleep on the floor.
As a gravitational body exerting force on our planet, and making tides and things like that, I was wondering if you could suck extra hard as you pass over our house, 234 Jelbart Street. It's the blue house with a flat tin roof. You'll be passing directly over us at 2pm on Saturday afternoon, when Henry makes his next attempt. Henry likes to organize his attempts at flight to coincide with your presence in the sky. Wonder Woman's not so secret name is Diana. Diana is a Roman moon goddess who is really a Greek Moon goddess Athena. Athena has an Owl, which means that Diana has an owl. Do you have an owl?
Please remember 2pm, Saturday afternoon, suck a little bit harder and pull Henry up just a little bit. It would be wonderful to see him fly for a moment or two. Frankly if you could make his fall just a little less dreadful that would be wonderful.
Yours in anticipation,
Dear Ms Moon,
Henry now has two broken legs and the arm that only just got out of a cast is back in one. I must confess I am more than a little bit disappointed. I said suck, not push. I am certain Henry fell faster than nine point eight metres per seconds squared. I am extremely disappointed and so is Henry. Henry has had to cancel his next attempt, because he cannot figure out how to get a wheelchair up onto the roof. As you can imagine, Henry is heartbroken. He blames himself, I blame you. You knew where he was going to be and when. I wrote to you well in advance. I have not had the heart to tell Henry that you failed him, he adores you so much that it would crush him. Because I cannot tell him who really is to blame, I must watch Henry blame himself and feel helpless watching him berate himself for his failings.
Please excuse me, I have a broken brother to attend to.
Dear Ms Moon,
My brother has found a way to drag himself onto the roof. He really is ingenious and has constructed a small elevator platform out of pulleys, half a door, and some rope. He is determined to prove his worth to you and to Wonder Woman. He was going to jump today, but I convinced him to wait until next week when you will be directly over the house. He is full of hope that the wheelchair will give him the extra speed necessary. As I write this he is attaching red piping to his costume with a glue gun. He will be throwing himself off the roof at 5am, Thursday morning. Our address, once again, is 234 Jelbart Street, you will be passing directly over us. I urge you to use that gravity of yours for good and make him float for a moment, or at least not fall so hard.
Please do not let us down again, or you will break a small boy's heart and I will tell everyone what a callous beast you are.
Dear Ms Moon
Ha ha ha, very funny. You didn't need to suck that hard.
Now give me my brother back, please.
This story was first published on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010