by Oliver Buckram
Welcome to Dystopian Airlines. We now request your full attention as our flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this Boeing 666 aircraft.
Should we experience a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from the compartment above your seat. Place the mask over your nose and mouth, secure the elastic band, and breathe normally. The flow of oxygen will start once you swipe a valid credit card into the credit card reader. If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, swipe your credit card first, then assist them with their credit card. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the credit card readers is prohibited by law.
Overhead bins are shared space. Specifically, they're occupied by passengers traveling feral class. Please use caution when opening bins, as the feral class passengers can be aggressive when startled. Dystopian Airlines is not responsible for damage to personal belongings or fingers.
This aircraft has six emergency exits, all of which are reserved for the exclusive use of our first class passengers. In the event of an emergency landing, please remain comfortably seated until the first class passengers have been safely evacuated to the nearest Admirals Club.
Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a water landing, please pass your seat cushions forward so that the flight attendants can assemble them into a life raft for the exclusive use of our first class passengers.