art by Ron Sanders
The Sex Adventurer's Handbook to Kuiper Belt Resorts
by Sylvia Spruck Wrigley
I picked up your book, The Sex Adventurer's Travel Guide to the Kuiper Belt, on sale at a used book bulletin on frugalspacefarers.com. I now recognize that this was my first mistake. However, although I was aware that the book might be out of date, it didn't occur to me that it could possibly be so wildly inaccurate so as to get me into serious trouble.
I spent a large amount of money on the flight here and on four-star hotel accommodations, eager to take advantage of the "cornucopia of sexual delights" that your book assured me was "there for the taking" on Ceres for any human male with good credit. I also purchased a large amount of gifts based on your recommendation that Cerian women would come flocking to me if I brought a lime green feather boa with me and carried it around on display. I'm not sure what Cerian is for "snigger" but I'm pretty sure I now recognize the local phrase for "What an idiot."
Quite frankly: I originally found it hard to believe that you had ever been in the Kuiper Belt, as you claimed in your introduction, let alone ever set foot on Ceres. Your advice to be effusive and outgoing to good looking young women meant I was undone before I even started. Eventually I discovered that what is considered a common way to let a woman know she is hot in New York City apparently translates to "help, help, my genitals are on fire" to the average Ceresian. This would have been a useful thing to mention in your guide.