Galactic Weather Report
by Julia Nolan
This Monday, the speed of light is expected to decrease by ninety percent. We've issued a travel warning and recommend that interstellar travel only commence if there are no other options. If necessary, please proceed through specially designated wormholes. Fortunately, gravity will decrease by a balmy ten percent, so it's looking to be a great week on your home planet.
On Tuesday, travel warnings remain in effect, but the electron and proton charges are expected to increase three percent. Expect stronger kinetics and flashier chemistry.
Wednesday's night sky will provide a dazzling display as dark matter mass shifts from several thousand years ago contract the spiral of the Milky Way. Then, in an astounding reversal of astronomical constants, dark matter's mass decreases and the universe begins expanding again. Depending on speed of light shifts, we're expecting the start of this spectacular display to begin around nine pm, local time.