When Robot Mermaids Attack
by Oliver Buckram
When robot mermaids attack, you should flee. Go inland.
When robot mermaids attack, don't pause to wonder why they're attacking. Don't stand on the beach gawking, orange Popsicle melting in your hand, as the ocean roils with metal fins. Don't ask who made the robot mermaids and why do they have stainless steel fangs and why are they decapitating that lifeguard? Just run.
When robot mermaids attack, don't call the police. Don't alert the Coast Guard. Don't send in the Navy. Robot mermaids cannot be defeated with conventional weapons.
When robot mermaids attack, don't ponder the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), which in 2012 stated that "no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found." If you ask an official NOAA spokesman for a retraction, he'll probably reply, "Help! I'm being attacked by robot mermaids!"
When robot mermaids attack, keep away from all bodies of water. Avoid rivers, lakes, and canals. Detour around aqueducts, reservoirs, and wetlands. Don't even think about peninsulas, isthmuses, or estuaries.
When robot mermaids attack, go to Death Valley, California. It's the only place that the robot mermaids can't reach. It's just too dry. There, in a secret government base, you will find Dr. Olga Ljungquist, the world's last surviving marine robotocist.