A Modest Proposal
by Dave D'Alessio
Hello. I am Glarb, and as should be obvious from the fact that your planet lacks intelligent life forms based on hexalateral symmetry, I am what you would call an alien. As we proceed, let me remind you that to me you are the aliens. Your dominant species has seen too little of the universe to realize that the universe does not revolve around yourselves.
We come from the Federation--no, not the silly entity portrayed in your entertainments. As Navigator Blurk says, "Prime Directive, my excretory gland."
We were sent to evaluate this planet and its life forms for potential membership in the Federation. To be frank, you have limited spacefaring capability. You burn organic fuel at a disgusting rate. You have failed to control many of your infectious diseases. You have used atomic weapons and are prepared to use them again.
You are savages, the lot of you. We were going to recommend that you not be admitted, and that the star and planets of this system be allocated to civilized species that can put them to use.
What do you mean, "They're ours"? You're not using the other planets, and when we're done you won't be using this one, either.
However, some recent observations have caused us to re-evaluate our recommendations.