Unconventional Advice for the Discerning Reader
by Sophie Wereley
I've just learned that my father has been embezzling money from our business for the past three years. I found out when my own paycheck bounced, and now I can't pay my rent. The business is in the hole almost $20,000. Any ideas on how I can make a quick buck? And how can I begin to repair this relationship?
Greed loves none other more than it loves itself. Your relationship with your father will not be repaired until he can excise his greed with his own will and spirit. You may try to help him, but I worry you will only be further mired in his selfishness.
As for the quick buck, I suggest slaughtering a doe in the nearest meadow exactly east of your home--there is one, I believe, behind an old Kroeger's grocery that may serve nicely--and pouring the resulting blood into a circle. Toss a braid of rosemary and holly into its center, with three polished obsidian. Recite the Lord's Prayer, or perhaps the poetry of Emily Dickinson. Something will appear to offer a bargain. Take it if you see fit.
Otherwise a sympathetic relative would be of service?
My brother and his wife have named their baby girl after our recently deceased mother. I love my brother and my new niece, but I can't believe they used that name! When they mentioned it in their list of possibles, I expressly asked them to choose a different one. I can't look at the baby or say the name without feeling betrayed and heartbroken. What should I say so they understand how much this has hurt me?
Mom's Name First
Heartbreak can be assuaged by a meal of aspic made from ground foxes' teeth, though each tooth must be given willingly, and so first you must learn the language of foxes. I would rather you bite into an apple, then speak into the open flesh all you wish to say to your brother--and here hold nothing back. Dress the wound with salt and a dab of menstrual blood, and the apple will speak your thoughts while robbing you of the ability to do so yourself. Then bury the apple.