art by Tim Stewart
F is for Forever
by Tim Pratt, Jenn Reese, Heather Shaw, Greg van Eekhout
Welcome to Hell's all-new Resort and Spa! Please, leave your worldly burdens by the gate and let me give you a tour.
No, you're exactly right. We've done away with such outmoded tortures as fire and brimstone, liver-eating vultures, and the like. Oh, Sisyphus still clings to his rock like a baby to his blanket, but not everyone comes willingly into the new millennium, as I'm sure you know.
Our first room! Look at those large-screen, high definition TVs covering every surface! Hell receives over six thousand channels from around the world, including several from Heaven. (I personally find the angel soaps duller than white on wings, but to each its own.)
Why is the channel stuck on Barney? Because we like to cater to our customer's needs, and this is the room for new parents. Our diehard sports fans are next door, being treated to endless replays of their favorite team's most heartbreaking loss. Hear those screams? Our cherished liberals enjoying 24-7 coverage by FOX News.
If this is your fate, all you need to do is find the remote. (And then, of course, there's the small matter of fresh batteries.) But remember--over six thousand channels available! So you know there's wonderful programming, but you just can't watch it.