Dear Jezzy: Consentacles
by Sarina Dorie
The Lower Worlder Press, April 1, 1792
I'm a hopeless romantic. I enjoy crying after reading a good Jane Austen novel, cuddling up to a ship before I sink it into my depths, and devouring oceanside homes at sunset. I keep my eight appendages and giant, watery physique in shape by attending water aerobics classes. As a Kraken, I'm a big, beautiful man, and I am looking for the right woman to share my underwater depths with. I'm not opposed to taking things slow and getting to know someone. I've waited thousands of years to be with the right woman; I can wait longer. But I know if I don't do something differently, I might wait another thousand years and still not find the right woman.
The problem is, I'm like Mr. Darcy; I don't make the best of first impressions. I can't even get a first date because women think I'm going to be all tentacles. Once a woman sees me, she runs away screaming tentacle rape. If only a woman would give me a chance she'd know I'm not like that. I just don't know how to approach the topic of "consentacles."
--The Forty-Thousand-Year-Old Virgin
Dear Forty-Thousand-Year-Old Virgin,
Are you kidding me? You are forty thousand years old and still haven't gotten laid? You could be doing remarkable things with those tentacles! Take my advice: there's no time like the present to start dating. I see three options for you. The first is to try dating using a magic mirror. If you have a good mirror, your message-bearer won't just be good at rhymes, but he's also going to be a good researcher. Ask him to connect to the mirror web and do a search of eligible females in the land. With any luck, he can find you several matches. Since your appearance causes most women to flee, consider covering the mirror so that you can call her up but she won't see you--until your first date. If you've had enough correspondence prior to meeting, she might be in love with you and your appearance won't matter.
Of course, if you cover your magic mirror so she won't see you, you won't be able to see her either. That means she might be more hideous than you.
The second option is to start looking for love in all the right places. Where do other plus-sized monsters frequent? Caves, crypts, and lairs. Have you looked into dragons and Loch Ness sea monsters?
If plan A or plan B doesn't work, consider moving to Japan. Because it is illegal to depict genitalia in Japan, tentacles have become popularized in the fetish community as a substitute. You might become the next big porn star.
Just be aware, when your la petite mort finally comes, your fate will probably be similar to that of octopi--your "little death" will be the end of your life. Good luck with that!
Confidential to Fairy Godmother: Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, he has herpes too? Can't you just use your magic to clear that up or does that violate the godmother-godchild relationship? And speaking of conduct in your employment, isn't the bigger question: what is the Division of Fairy Godmothers going to do once they realize you are dating your client?
Confidential to Horny Devil: Yes, vampires suck. Literally. And your point is...?
Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, succubus, and a garden fairy. More than anything in the world, she would like to date an orgasm fairy. She's been writing love advice columns since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press, and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
This story was first published on Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014