art by Seth Alan Bareiss
Unnatural Family Planning
by Nicky Drayden
First of all, I want to thank you for allowing me into such an intimate moment of your lives. The sensual act of creating life is a delicate dance, and it is important that you stay in sync as a couple, every moment, every breath until the final moment of ecstasy that will change both of your lives forever. Don't worry, I am here to aid you in this miraculous journey, where I will choreograph your every move and answer any and every question you could possibly have. No need to be shy or bashful, I am the resident Sexpert here, after all, going on fifteen years. I promise you, no matter how embarrassing the question, I've heard it before.
Why don't you two get comfortable while I set up my equipment? Yes, well, unfortunately, it is required that I stay for the duration of the session. How else are you going to know what to plug where? There's quite a bit of baby-making apparati, but once you two get going, you won't even realize it's in the room. Or me for that matter. Okay, almost ready. Heh, hard to believe that life begins with just one tiny little, itty-bitty, tinsy-wincy prick.