art by Melissa Mead
by Luc Reid
Dear Persons Who Have Evolved on the Earth,
Please excuse this interruption of your fascinatingly disturbed culture. We will attempt to communicate in one of your languages, but it is difficult to adapt our reference-laden, parenthetical, simplest mode of communication to your clumsy face-noises and adorable little picture-symbols.
We have selected Amalgamated American English as the language of our communication because it is the language of your revered Jerry Lewis.
We are a race of individuals1 who have been residing secretly in your2 moon for several 64s of 64-year intervals. We have been waiting for you to settle down a little before we announce ourselves, but as you have not yet done so in the history of your race, we have resigned ourselves to contacting you at this inopportune moment. We have carefully devised the following message to convey the subtlest possible shades of meaning by adopting certain of your vernacular expressions:
Uh... guys3? Do you get that you're ruining your planet4 and are totally screwed?