by Matt Mikalatos
I may have accidentally laid eggs in a human. What is the proper way to inform him of his impending role as my children's first meal?
Dear Baby Momma,
"Accidentally?" I suppose you "accidentally" built a warp drive as a child. Nevertheless, what's done is done. Take care when explaining the situation. Your initial faux pas strains the boundaries of good manners, and humans are notoriously vengeful. He may try to destroy you, or remove your eggs. Remind him that the needs of the six dozen outweigh the need of the one. A well-crafted apology can only help, so have one ready. Best of luck and congratulations!
My herald recently introduced me to a planet lush and full of life, and I would like to eat it. The inhabitants claim to be sentient but honestly, I think they're exaggerating. What should I do?
Dear "Not" Galactus,
Earth is a hip destination for many young aliens, so although you have no respect for human life, try to show some for the rest of us. Don't eat more than a fifth of any one generation. Also, kindly tell your herald to do his job. I know for a fact this is the fifteenth time he's taken you to Earth in as many years.
I moved in with an Earth boy several months ago. He's great, but has a few niggling defects. He's overly emotional, he doesn't obey my mental commands, and he often fails to replace the toilet paper roll. So I made a pod version of him. When he found out, he went crazy. He even killed his duplicate! He won't listen to anything I say. Help!
--Almost Perfect, Except for All the Murdering