Last Day of the Universe
by Matthew F Amati
Tours of the Pillars of Creation will end at 11:00 AM.
Help wanted packing suns away; hydrogen-handling experience preferred.
All spaceships please return to port of origin. All lost spaceships, we'll turn on the house lights so you can find your way home again.
Gravity will be rescinded at 3:30 PM. (Consider your weight-loss goals achieved.) The weak nuclear force will be shut off at six.
All interstellar wars were supposed to have been concluded by last Thursday's deadline. If you are still wrangling over possession of the Southern Pleiades, or are fighting to determine dominance of ape-man vs. lizard man, desist immediately. (This means you Supreme Emperor V'Thulkhk! Stand down... or slither down, as the case may be).
Note to all spiral galaxies; wind it up boys.
Note to the Sombrero Galaxy; time to hang up your hat.
Protons and neutrons, the bonds between you are hereby dissolved. You are free to go.