13 Ways to Detect Vampires Online
* They have user names like Vlad1428 and IWontKillYouAndDrinkYourBloodNoSeriously
* Their Netflix binge-watching always stops at around 5 AM
* Amazon wish list disproportionately comprised of coffins
* Google history includes searches like "dental hygiene canines"
* Purchase unusually large amounts of lip balm
* Have bookmarked multiple Lifehacker articles on getting bloodstains out
* Facebook friends mysteriously stop logging in after a while
* Repeated visits to neck porn sites
* Spotify playlist includes Mozart's Requiem Mass, various Death Rock standards, and "O Fortuna" from the Carmina Burana
* Repeatedly unavailable to Skype during work hours
* Their files don't show up on mirror sites
* Never like your cute kitten pictures, but always have a nice comment when you post a photo with your Aunt Vicky who has the problem with over-prominent neck veins
* Lots of upvotes in Reddit hematology threads
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, July 20th, 2017
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13 Ways to Detect Vampires Online by
Luc Reid.
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