Dear Jezzy

Immortal Herald, July 5, 1697 Dear Jezzy, I am a succubus. I like my job and I’m one of the best at draining mortals of their life force in exchange for illusions of sexual fantasies. This often leaves me tired of seeing writhing naked men. The last thing I want when I get home is one more sexual encounter. The problem is, my boyfriend’s job as an elf is less sexually taxing than mine. And being around shoes all day doesn’t exactly help with his foot fetish. By the time he gets done at the workshop repairing shoes, he’s as randy as a rabbit. In all other aspects, we’re a good match. I love him with all my heart and want this relationship to work. This problem only recently came up when I moved in with him. I don’t know what to do. —Too Tired to Screw # Dear Too Tired to Screw, Take my advice: moving in with someone requires time to get used to. With patience, open communication and working together, you should be able to adjust to each other’s needs. If sex feels like a chore to you, consider what brought you into the succubus field in the first place. Would it help if your boyfriend used glamour to give him the appearance of something less human—or less male—to appeal to your sexual fantasies for a change? And if you can’t muster up the excitement you once had, perhaps you can find a foot-positive compromise. Will it satiate your need for relaxation and his desire to look at feet by giving you a foot massage instead? Are you okay if he polishes your shoes while you watch? Can you take a few minutes to read him descriptions of the latest designer heels? As much as you don’t want to take your work home with you, maybe throwing in a few foot fantasy wet dreams are in order. If he promises to take a nap and fantasizes while you make dinner or read a book in peace, it might do the trick. —Jezzy # Confidential to A Satyr-ical Dater: a horse is a horse unless, of course, he’s really a centaur. If that’s the case, quit complaining. # Confidential to Happy Reaper: The problem is she loves you to death. # Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, fairy godmother and muse. She’s been writing love advice columns since 1612, using her numerous experiences with relationships to help others. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.

Dear Jezzy: How Can a Devil Make an Angel Say Yes?

Dear Jezzy: The Problem with the Santas By Sarina Dorie The Lower Worlder Press, March 25, 2014 Dear Jezzy, I am fed up with my job at the North Pole Industries. Those Santas are lazy, slave-driving tyrants. The problem is, I don't have a lot of experience other than as an elf. My friends tell me my only other option is to become a toilet fairy, but I can't stand the idea. Do you have any suggestions? --Tommy

Dear Tommy, There's no reason to toil away at the North Pole. Plenty of other jobs are out there. Take my advice: apply at a shoe repair sweatshop. Or at a cookie factory. With any luck, you'll be able to slip a little laxative into a batch of cookies and send it to your former Santa slave driver for a little sweet revenge. --Jezzy

The Immortal Herald, March 26, 2014 Dear Jezzy, You previously asked me what my question was. How can I get my angel to marry me? I'm afraid she might say no because we live in different dimensions. Part of me fears tarnishing her pureness and goodness if I bring her into the lower realms. --M. Devil

Dear M. Devil, You're right. She probably is too good for you. --Jezzy

Confidential to A-musing muse: There are reasons immortals abstain from the forbidden delights of human love. As you said yourself, you need to be professional so your current client doesn't cut his ear off like your last one did.

Jezebel Lincoln has been gracing the paranormal world with her love advice columns since 1612. She brings to her experience a history of dating Easter Bunnies, cupids, and even a wendigo. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.