This is a public service announcement brought to you by VFV. Warning: There is a plague of unicorns upon our kingdom. This species has been known to carry off fair maidens and impale those who attempt to slay them.
Whether you are on a royal hunt, or are a sorcerer in need of a magical horn, be aware: unicorns can be cunning, dangerous, and deadly. Do not be fooled by the beauty and elegance of these creatures, nor their air of innocence and purity encouraged by the princess community. They are in fact depraved and horny beasts who breed like rabbits; hence the reason they have overpopulated the forests and now run amuck in small villages, consuming crops and terrorizing the countryside. Those horned stallions have their pick of the best maidens and use magic to seduce them. Worst of all, they trample over the dignity of the common man. All must do their part in ridding our kingdom of this invasive herd.
Follow these tips if you wish to join the battle against the horned ones and wipe them out of existence:
1. You need a fair maiden. Contrary to popular belief, she need not be a virgin. Male unicorns can't tell the difference and are willing to be seduced by any young, pretty maiden. Especially if she has a basketful of carrots and apples.
2. When a shortage of maidens occurs, do not dress up a knight in women's clothes and hope the unicorn shall fail to notice the difference. This has been attempted countless times in the past and failed. The unicorn will maul the man as soon as it hears an unnaturally falsetto voice, notices a beard, or sees the knight relieving himself while standing up.
3. Wait in a secluded area of a forest with the maiden in view. You will need to hide yourself for hours, staying perfectly still without falling asleep. Do not leave the maiden alone for any length of time with the unicorn. We wouldn't have a plague of centaurs if it weren't for the old adage, "Unicorns have more fun."
4. Under no circumstance tell the maiden you intend to slay the unicorn. Only say you plan to "capture" one. A maiden will protest and insist unicorns are an endangered species just because she hasn't ever seen one before and she's heard rumors they're being hunted to extinction. Remember this is all rubbish. There were several incidents in the twelfth century in which maidens warned unicorns, outwitted the hunters, and rode off with the intended prey. Imagine having to explain that epic fail to your village.
5. When attracting female unicorns, proceed with caution. It is said that the female of the species have a much keener sense of detecting virginity than the males of the species. If you happen to be a youth just entering manhood, it is best to avoid the forest until you have sown some seed, lest you attract the unwanted advances of female unicorns. If you do find yourself in such a predicament, try distracting the unicorn with rainbows and glitter. Of course, this only works for young wizards who happen to keep a satchel of rainbows and glitter at their belt. The rest of you are screwed. Literally.
6. If you wish to be shown where unicorns preside or question whether your maiden will entice a unicorn, kindly bring your maiden and yourself to the castle of Wizard Izzledom. If you wish to sell the horn or maiden after your victory, he will also give you a good exchange rate.
--This public service announcement was paid for by Wizard Izzledom and Villains For Violence (VFV).
The End
This story was first published on Monday, January 18th, 2016
We hope you're enjoying
Six Tips to Slay a Unicorn by
Sarina Dorie.
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