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Onboarding Practices for the Ravaging Horde

E. B. Brandon lives with her family in the Hudson valley in New York, where she spends her time writing and teaching college courses on ancient philosophy.
Well met! In the following new employee rune book you will find everything you need to transition into your new role as a productive team-member of Grundar's Ravaging Horde. Welcome to your new and glorious purpose!
While Grundar alone is destined to rule, the bloodstone diadem heavy on his brow, Grundar relies on YOU to sunder his enemies and rain devastation upon the broken lands. The following tome will outline our chosen ways.
Section I: Basic Duties and Company Policies
As a member of Grundar's Ravaging Horde, your primary responsibilities include burning, pillaging, seizing, and ransoming. On off days, tasks may include tent repair, weapon forging, mocking local peasants, and latrine maintenance.
Members of the Horde are to carry standard issue blood-stained axes, swords, or clubs, unless given special dispensation. [See appendix 5a for acceptable use policies for flails, war hammers, and mauls.] Armor should be fur-lined, chain or scale, and dyed in Grundar's official colors. Black, grey, dark grey, blood, and dark blood are all acceptable options.
Notice: the Ravaging Horde is an equal opportunity employer which strives for excellence when pillaging others regardless of their race, gender, religion, or creed.
Section II: Conduct and Accountability
Your performance will be subject to bi-annual reviews, where we will schedule any pertinent training sessions, and re-affirm your commitment to the destruction of the decadent towns of Gresh's Valley.
When ravaging, it is important that you work hard to create a suitably terrifying experience for the peasant farmers of the indolent lands of Gresh. Best practices include clearly establishing client expectations in an orderly and timely manner, particularly for any projects with cyclical processes such as the burning of seasonal crops, the dismaying of children's birthday parties, or the poisoning of wells.
We strongly recommend you catalogue any and all feedback you receive in the field--gurgles, wails, and whimpers included. Remember, no comment is too small. Client experience matters! Grundar's Horde strives for excellence.
If, in the course of your duties, you have an issue with one of your fellow Horde members, you are encouraged to work it out in a professional manner before seeking formal arbitration [Please see appendix 9b, on non-lethal intermediation techniques.] For minor disagreements, Vungesh broad armed, keeper of the Horde's ale, offers tavern brawls on weeknights after 7 PM. For more serious offenses, you may petition your supervisor for a judicious flogging.
Please note that all flogging decisions are final.
Section III: Healthcare
The Horde has proudly partnered with our own in-house medical services provider: Ston One-Arm, the chopper. Ston offers minor and invasive surgeries, limb removals, physical therapy, dentistry, and in special cases, marriage counseling.
We strongly encourage our members to practice preventative medicine.
You may, alternatively, select an out of network provider as your primary care physician. Be aware, however, that any kidnaped medical professionals must be maintained out of your own wages and have a tendency to fuss.
Section IV: Statement of Vision
Grundar's Ravaging Horde is dedicated to three actionable outcomes: the taking of Skird the Objectionable's Golden City, the humiliation of Grundar's enemies in Gresh's valley, and fostering an open and supportive work environment.
We imagine a world where the cries of Grundar's fallen foes sweeten the air with their unending lamentations. We imagine a world with Grundar on the five-winged throne, his mercy rare and his justice terrible. We imagine a world with good advancement opportunities and retirement benefits for those with strong arms and unbroken skulls.
The task of the Horde is not simply to imagine these realities.
The task of the Horde is to break the world.
Welcome, newest Horde Member, to your destiny!
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

This story came to me following a discussion of Conan the Barbarian with friends. After watching barbarian extras getting shot down and repeatedly crushed, it was decided they needed better job training--and thus the idea of barbarian HR was born.

- E. B. Brandon
We hope you're enjoying Onboarding Practices for the Ravaging Horde by E. B. Brandon.

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