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Clickbait for Paranormals: Six Amazing Secrets from a Ghost's Guide to Getting Ghouls

Sarina Dorie is the author of award-winning, YA paranormal romance novel, Silent Moon. Her Puritan and alien love story, Dawn of the Morning Star, is due to come this year with Wolfsinger Publications. She has sold over 80 short stories to markets like Daily Science Fiction, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Orson Scott Card's IGMS, Cosmos, and Sword and Laser. By day, Sarina is a public school art teacher, artist, belly dance performer and instructor, copy editor, fashion designer, event organizer, and probably a few other things. By night, she writes. As you might imagine, this leaves little time for sleep. You can find info about her short stories and novels on her website: sarinadorie.com.

Whether you consider yourself the Casanova of ghosts--or you are the ghost of Casanova, it is getting harder and harder to find a good ghoul to date. What's the good of having all eternity if you have to spend it alone?
Before you give in to despair, consider these tips for getting a ghoul.
1. Graveyards are dead, and not just literally. Sure, you can find a ghoul in a crypt or the tomb under a church, but she's going to be too busy to notice you while devouring corpses. Not to mention, she'll be all emo and depressing while she's stuffing her face with human flesh.
2. Look for love in the right places. If you're looking for someone with good self-esteem who has a healthy afterlife, consider hunting for a ghoul friend at places that are cheery and upbeat. Ask yourself what might make your kind of partner happy. Is the answer places where people have recently died, like hospitals and car accidents? Is the answer places where you have caused people to die at hospitals and car accidents? If so, you are going to be a babe magnet wherever you go.
3. Stop sneaking around and waiting in dark corners like a wallflower. She isn't going to notice you that way. And if, for some reason she accidentally stumbles on you while she's lurking in a dark alley and you ask her out, things are going to get boring fast.
4. Start some new hobbies. You can't haunt humans as your vocation and leisure activity or else she's going to tell you to get a life, or in your case, an afterlife. You've got to proactively go out there and try activities that you haven't tried before, like demonic possession, eating souls, or Disney musicals.
5. Go high tech. Internet dating isn't just for humans. Do you know how many spirits are out there possessing machines? Even if you don't find your dream ghoul, haunting computers and freezing the screen is a fun way to pass the time.
6. Consider branching out. Ghosts and ghouls are only two of the many spirits out there who dine on human flesh. If you're looking for another sapiosexual like yourself, consider a Jiang Shi from China. These exotic zombies are more likely to suck out a soul that a brain, but some will eat human flesh too. If you like cats, perhaps the Japanese yokai, Kasha, will be to your liking. Though if you do date a Kasha, you might start hacking up hairballs after face time.
Whether the problem is you might be looking for love in all the wrong places or you need to try a new activity which might attract a mate, be aware, hooking up with a ghoul is hard work. Once you have her, it's just as hard work to keep her. Keep a supply of dead bodies on hand so she doesn't leave you for a ghost with a graveyard bigger than yours.
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, May 3rd, 2017

Author Comments

I love puns and malapropisms. For a while, the pun, "Ghouls just have more fun" and phrases along that line have been floating around in my head. I have written several other ghost advice lists that I sold to magazines which are now available on my website. Lists truly are an obsession for me and I am glad others out there appreciate them as well.

Click here to read more stories in the same series of Clickbait for Paranormals, check out this link at Daily Science Fiction:

- Sarina Dorie
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