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Dear Jezzy: Love Advice for a Shape Shifter

The Undead Times, March 8, 1999
Dear Jezzy,
I've been around this dating game for a millennium, and I'm getting sick of it. Women flock to me for the same things: gold and treasure. As a chullachaqui, my career path entails hiding riches in the Amazon rainforest and luring humans into the jungle so they can lose their way and die. It's not just a career for me; I enjoy punishing wicked humans. I'm sort of like an evil leprechaun vigilante, but I'm more of the tall, dark and not-wearing-green type.
What I really want is for a woman to like me for me--not my riches. If I don't tell a woman what I am, I feel like I'm being secretive and dishonest. If I do, those gold diggers tear up the Amazon rainforest looking for my gold. What should I do? How can I get a woman to see me for the loving demon I truly am?
--Desperate Demon
Dear Desperate,
Forget the gold and all the trouble it's bringing you for a moment. Focus on your strengths. You are a chullachaqui. You can shift your shape to resemble any human's loved one. And any immortal's. Consider all the identities you can steal. You could take the shape of some banshee's ex-boyfriend who she's still in love with and make her wail in ecstasy all night long. Hire yourself out as a shape-shifter who makes fantasies come true. Heck, you could even focus on your desire to punish the wicked by becoming the dom in an S and M relationship. Use your powers to your advantage. Everyone always thinks they want someone who will love them for who they are. This is an unrealistic expectation, since no matter what, women will only love you for who they think you are.
As for not telling women you are a chullachaqui, women say they like mysterious men all the time. Why not put this to the test? Take my advice: lie. It doesn't work so well in the long run, but the short-term benefits are great.
I have to admit, I've always been curious what it would be like to be with a shifter. I wonder if I was to tell Mr. Chullachaqui that Johnny Depp is my loved one, would he show up in that form and punish me... all night long.
Confidential to tooth fairy: You need to see a dentist. Preferably one who is hot, likes tutus, and can take care of your cavities. And I'm not talking about the ones in your mouth.
Confidential to Banshee Looking for Ban-he: Consider using a magic mirror to find Mr. Good Enough. Using the mirror web for dating doesn't have the stigma it once did.
Jezebel Lincoln has dated trolls, Minotaurs, and in a desperate moment, even a kraken--which didn't work out so well for the kraken since it turns out they die after mating. She's been writing advice columns based on experiences from her sorry love life since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, December 17th, 2014
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