Dear Jezzy: Oni You
The Undead Times, June 13, 1831
Dear Jezzy,
After a thousand years of working as a guardian angel, I'd grown tired of dating other goody-two-shoes immortals in my dimension. I'd secretly dreamed of dating someone exotic and demonic. When a friend introduced me to "Yuki," an oni from Japan, I was impressed by his washboard abs, bulging biceps, and giant horns. I liked how confident and comfortable he was with his body. I was amazed how gentlemanly and polite he was for a yokai, but not at all prudish like my pantheon of immortals.
In addition to his day job of dining on human flesh, he works as a model on the side. My friends warned me I'd get tired of the diseases and disasters he liked to inflict on mortals, but I've found that I don't have an issue as long as he doesn't bring his work home with him.
The thing that has started to become a problem in our relationship is that he has to show off his muscles everywhere he goes. We argue every time we go out because he refuses to wear anything other than a tiger skin loincloth. At first I liked how everyone stared at his muscles. Women threw themselves at him, but he didn't want them. He said he wanted "oni me."
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Now it's getting old. We tried to get into an elite restaurant last week but we were turned away because he wouldn't put on a jacket. He raked the walls with his claws and used his iron club to smash the entryway. It was so embarrassing. We've dined in since then.
Yuki has talked about us moving in together, but I don't know if I can get over the loincloth issue. What should I do?
--Angel in the Demonfold
Dear Angel,
Wait a minute, your boyfriend has washboard abs, bulging biceps, and hunky horns--yet you're embarrassed he shows off that physique? You knew from day one what he was, tantrums, dining on flesh, and yokai tendencies. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can change him.
As far as I know, cupids are the only immortals that can be changed, but that's only because they go around in big diapers. And that's all you'll change about them. I don't know anyone who would complain about such a hot immortal. Perhaps, "oni you."
--Jezzy
Confidential to Nessie: There are plenty of other fish in the sea... except for you. Have you considered a kraken?
Confidential to An Orgasm Fairy: That's too bad about your ex. Any chance you want to toss some of that excess of magic my way? Or better yet, meet tomorrow night?
Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, toilet fairy, and cupid. As of this week, she is dating an orgasm fairy. She's been writing love advice since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, November 5th, 2014
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