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Dear Jezzy: Sleepless in the Underworld

As a child, Sarina Dorie dreamed of being an astronaut/archeologist/fashion designer/illustrator/writer. After years of dedication and hard work, most of Sarina's dreams have come true; in addition to teaching art, she is an author/copywriter/artist/fashion designer/belly dancer. She has taught English overseas in South Korea and in the JET program in Japan, where she felt like an alien much of the time which inspired numerous stories. She has shown her art internationally and sold illustrations to magazines and currently works as a high school art teacher.

Sarina's paranormal romance novel, Silent Moon, published by Soulmate Publishing, won second place in the Duel on the Delta Contest, second place in the Golden Rose, third place in the Winter Rose Contest and third in the Ignite the Flame Contest. Her alien versus Puritan love story, Dawn of the Morning Star is to come out next year with Wolfsinger Publications. Her unpublished novel, Wrath of the Tooth Fairy, won first place in the Golden Claddagh and in the Golden Rose contests. She has sold short stories to over thirty-five magazines and anthologies including Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine, Daily Science Fiction, Cosmos, Penumbra, Sword and Laser, Perihelion, Bards and Sages, Neo-Opsis, Flagship, Allasso, New Myths, Untied Shoelaces of the Mind, and Crossed Genres to name a few.

Now, if only Jack Sparrow asks her to marry him, all her dreams will come true. Visit her at sarinadorie.com.

The Lower Worlder Press, June 13, 1935
Dear Jezzy,
I really like bad boys. You know--the badass monster who wears a leather jacket and rides a motorcycle, but who is actually sensitive and misunderstood. Because I wanted to date a monster, I tried a vampire. I thought he would be a tough, dominating alpha male and endearingly chauvinistic.
All he ever wants to do is sit in his recliner and drink blood. He doesn't open doors for me. He doesn't have any powers of seduction. And he doesn't sparkle.
What should I do? I'm tired of dating wimpy, beta werewolves and workaholic devils. I want someone wild in bed and adorably moody. Is there something better out there?
--Sleepless in the Underworld
Dear Sleepless,
Have you ever considered you might be dating the wrong kind of bad boy? It sounds like you've been sucked into dating the highly overrated monster types. Is it their lack of true evil that's letting you down, or do you just need to try something new--and perhaps a little more exotic? Have you ever considered dating a Minotaur?
Forget the rumors: there's more than one--and more than enough to go around. These Greeks have the head of a bull and the body of Adonis. They are ferocious, survive on human flesh, and are known for being wild beasts in bed. For the immortal who finds the stubbornly bull-headed temperament endearing, this dude is for you. And if sex is what you truly care about, yes, it's true; they are hung like, well, a Minotaur.
Confidential to Pining Cupid: She's just not that into you. Don't bother aiming that arrow at her heart.
Confidential to Hairy Wolf-lady: The real problem is you can't have your boy AND eat him too. Make up your mind.
Jezebel Lincoln has worked as a mystic, banshee, and bogey-woman. After a few decades of dating an orgasm fairy, she's decided that on the spot orgasms are nice and all, but fidelity and loyalty are more important. Jezzy has been writing love advice columns since 1612. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
She is currently single.
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, November 19th, 2014
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