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Dear Jezzy: The Orgasm Fairy Across the Street

As a child, Sarina Dorie dreamed of being an astronaut/archeologist/fashion designer/illustrator/writer. After years of dedication and hard work, most of Sarina's dreams have come true; in addition to teaching art, she is an author/copywriter/artist/fashion designer/belly dancer. She has taught English overseas in South Korea and in the JET program in Japan, where she felt like an alien much of the time which inspired numerous stories. She has shown her art internationally and sold illustrations to magazines and currently works as a high school art teacher.

Sarina's paranormal romance novel, Silent Moon, published by Soulmate Publishing, won second place in the Duel on the Delta Contest, second place in the Golden Rose, third place in the Winter Rose Contest and third in the Ignite the Flame Contest. Her alien versus Puritan love story, Dawn of the Morning Star is to come out next year with Wolfsinger Publications. Her unpublished novel, Wrath of the Tooth Fairy, won first place in the Golden Claddagh and in the Golden Rose contests. She has sold short stories to over thirty-five magazines and anthologies including Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine, Daily Science Fiction, Cosmos, Penumbra, Sword and Laser, Perihelion, Bards and Sages, Neo-Opsis, Flagship, Allasso, New Myths, Untied Shoelaces of the Mind, and Crossed Genres to name a few.

Now, if only Jack Sparrow asks her to marry him, all her dreams will come true. Visit her at sarinadorie.com.

Lower Worlder Press, March 27, 2014
Dear Jezzy,
Three months ago, the cottage across from us was sold to two gorgeous male "muses"--or so we thought. We later learned one was an incubus and the other was an orgasm fairy. This was a respectable neighborhood before these Lower Worlders moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like sasquatches, women who look like banshees. We see devils, werewolves, and vampires. Yesterday I even saw two toilet fairies go in there! Jezzy, these weirdoes are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once respectable neighborhood?
--Disgusted in the Higher Realm
Dear Higher,
Take my advice: you could move. But not before sending that orgasm fairy my way.
The Immortal Herald, March 29, 2014
Dear Jezzy,
I am completely, blissfully in love with the angel I told you about. She inspires me to be a better person. I can’t imagine anything completing my life more than sharing it with her. Surely there are other poor devils out there who have fallen for immortals in the higher realm. How can I succeed in convincing her I’m not some black-hearted scoundrel who’s just using her and wants her soul?
--M. Devil
Dear M. Devil,
So you’re saying you don’t want her soul? Not even a little? Come on, surely the thought has crossed your mind.
If you want to make that girl marry you, try what I heard another Lower Worlder once did: take her some place secluded where there are no portals so she can’t escape. Ask your question. If she refuses, smack her with a pitchfork. Ask her again. Poke her if she says no. Keep doing it until you’ve beaten her into submission. She’ll eventually say yes.
Confidential to Chupacabra In Love: It sounds like the true question isn’t: to eat a goat or not to eat a goat--but the real question is: to brush your teeth and not have goat breath, or not to--before going to your girlfriend’s house. I’d say that doesn’t sound like much of a question in the end. At least, not if you want to keep dating that vegetarian wolf-lady.
Jezebel Lincoln has been gracing the paranormal world with her love advice columns since 1612. She would someday like to go out dirty dancing with a hot, sexy jiangshi or date a djinn who will grant her wishes between the sheets. Her columns are syndicated by Charming Industries to The Immortal Herald, The Undead Times, Lower Worlder Press and other smaller publications in the fairy realm.
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, August 5th, 2015

Author Comments

I got the idea for writing this column after reading an old Dear Abby column about someone writing to ask advice when a gay couple moved in across the street because they were worried the new neighbors would ruin the property value of the neighborhood. In researching Dear Ann and Dear Abby columns I came across certain phrases and snarky ways of giving advice that I hoped I could capture in Jezzy's tone. At the same time, I hoped to capture the irony of Jezzy's own bias--toward devils. The advice she gives was actually inspired by an incident I was told about by one of former my adult English students in South Korea. The woman had told me during our lessons that the way her husband convinced her to marry him was to hit her when she didn't accept his proposal. Then he asked again and when she said no, he hit her again. Basically he beat her until she said yes. Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. Because I have never been able to forget her story, I knew it would make its way into a story someday. To read the first piece that starts this arc with the devil, click on the link below: Dear Jezzy. Several "Dear Jezzy" stories have been performed for live audiences as part of No Shame Eugene, a live variety show which features 5 minute acts. To watch videos of "Dear Jezzy" stories, visit: sarinadorie.com/writing.

- Sarina Dorie
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