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Classified Selections

Gregg Chamberlain works as a community newspaper reporter, looking forward to retirement soon after four decades in the trade. He and his missus, Anne, live a quiet life in rural Ontario, with their trio of cats, who allow the humans the delusion that they are in charge of the house. This story marks his fourth publication with Daily Science Fiction, and his other fiction credits include Apex, Ares, Mythic, Weirdbook, and other magazines, along with various original anthologies and podcasts.
Little Space With Lots To Offer
www.classifiedtwits.com
RECYCLED
U-Build-It Monster Kit. Some pieces missing.
Doomsday Machine for sale. Used once.
General Disaster Raygun. Needs power pack.
Master disaster plan. Needs some revisions.
Cerebral Cyber Interface adaptor. Software glitches.
Duplicator machine for sale. Copy faults.
Book of Knowledge. Some pages missing.
For Sale. CHEAP! One Bottle Imp.
VEHICLES
UFO for sale. Cash offers only.
Private submarine. Includes crew. D. Nemo.
TIME SHARES
Time machine for sale. Almost new.
Temporal Transporter for purchase. Singularity scarring.
Time machine now available. Some damage.
Space/Time Transport Cubicle. Wonky stealth mode.
For Sale/Trade. Time machine. Minor defect.
REAL ESTATE
Lakeshore property. Good fishing. Loch Ness.
Transylvania heritage chateau. Minor bat infestation.
Fixer-upper house in Transylvania. Fire damage.
Tropical island for sale. Moreau Realty.
Flatmate wanted. Apply Fortress of Solitude.
Like bats? Underground dwelling unit available.
PERSONAL
DNA Dating. A clone at last.
Need best friend. No questions asked.
Socrates got brain. Rusty got heart?
To Give Away. Monster-sized heart. Broken.
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, November 22nd, 2018


To be honest, even I am surprised how this turned out. All I was doing one day, while watching Coronation Street with my Anne, was amusing myself during the commercial breaks by scribbling out six-word "ads" for the classified section of an online journal that catered to the sf, fantasy, horror, and metahuman realms. When I got around to providing section headers and then grouping the ads under the headers, this was the result, my first actual meta-story (at least I think that's what it is) with a bit of a tearjerker ending.

- Phillip Gregg Chamberlain

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