Earth's Destruction: A Crowdfunding Campaign
by Nicky Drayden
Project: Earth's Destruction
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Backers: 34,453
Pledged: $652,323,765
Days to Go: 27
$1,000 minimum pledge
Goal: 85 Billion U.S. Dollars (Approx. 54.4 million Gragzoikian Dollars)
This project will only be funded if at least $85,000,000,000 is pledged by Tuesday August 19, 11:51am EST.
Greetings, puny Earthlings! I am creating this crowdfunding project on behalf of Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag. His suckerflesh is prickling in anticipation of leveling your cities and boiling your seas. It will be glorious, I can assure you! However, the journey from our planet has taken us many, many years. Along the course we have encountered several financial setbacks, and now we are experiencing a bit of a monetary shortfall. Taking over your planet will be much more expensive than we anticipated, but we can assure you that world domination can proceed smoothly if this project receives proper funding.
So please give to Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag's campaign! If you are one of those who has squandered all of your money, sucked in by consumerism, hoping for your purchases to bring meaning to your insignificant lives--there is no hope for you. But if you are one who has saved and invested for your future, now is the time to cash out and reap the following rewards that the Great Tentacled One will bestow upon you for your generosity!
Rewards:
--$1,000 Pledge: A thank you note from Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag Himself, tattooed on your forehead using His very own ink.
--$5,000 Pledge: A thank you note from Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag, plus a guarantee that your life will be spared in the initial attack.
--$25,000 Pledge: All of the above, plus a t-shirt with "I survived the initial Gragzoikian attack and all I got was this t-shirt and an anal probe" printed on the front. 100% American cotton. Sizes XL and XXL only. (Sorry!)
--$50,000 Pledge: All of the above, plus a limited edition DVD of video footage of the attack, directed by Wes Anderson and scored by Hans Zimmer. (Limited: 45,034 out of 50,000 left)
--$100,000 Pledge: A trip to the Gragzoikian mothership and dinner with Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag. (All travel expenses to be paid by you.)
--$1 Million Pledge: The above trip and dinner, with a guarantee that you will not be the main course.
--$5 Million Pledge: Watch the invasion live and from the comfort of your own pod aboard the Gragzoikian mothership. Adult beverages will be served. Tentacle massages will be available at a small hourly rate.
Stretch Goals:
If we raise $150 Billion, we will be able to forgo our original "Scorched Earth" plan in favor of a more environmentally sensitive, species-targeted invasion, that will have no long-term effects on the Earth (with the exception of human eradication, of course). We will also be able to offer four hours of bonus DVD footage, including "The Making Of Earth's Destruction" and an extensive blooper reel.
Risks and Challenges:
Our Benevolent Overlord Gragrag has never led an actual planet-wide invasion Himself, but as an Overlord-in-Training, He assisted in three successful on-site takeovers and several via long-range death ray. He is well aware of the immense coordinated effort that goes into a project of this scope and the expected and unexpected expenses involved, but is hopeful that Earth's Destruction will prove to be a spectacular success, as He is truly passionate about this project and loves the work He does.
Please donate today!
The End
This story was first published on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014
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