Marla Corbet: Living (With The Invaders)
by Kurt Pankau
Ever since the DarkMouth of Saydeer opened over the Nevada desert, we've lived under constant threat from the Saydeerian Brood-Hoards and their duplicitous human-imitating doppelgangers. I don't know about you, but every time I enter a room and have my DNA scanned to make sure I'm not a Saydeerian, it really brings me down, not just because of the existential threat to humanity, but also because the scanners are so grim and depressing. Well, today, we're going to do something about that.
Hello. I'm Marla Corbet. Thanks for tuning in. Today on Marla Corbet: Living we're going to spruce up some of the absolutely necessary protective measures that keep all of you safe from the invaders.
Let's start with the DNA scanner. Look at it. It's very unfriendly. But with just a few sprigs of ivy, we can transform it into a decorative wall fixture. See what I've done here? I've simply tied a few tendrils along the primary receptor and... there, perfect! It covers up those harsh edges. Much friendlier. And you don't have to use ivy. You can use flowers or grass--personally I find that the green really brightens up the whole room. Now, I know string and other such materials are strictly rationed, but there's a cost-effective material you can use to tie these off that I bet you haven't thought of.
Your own hair.
Now, you may be wondering if putting ivy--or human hair--next to the receptor will impede it, and the answer is no. Absolutely not. Just watch as I put my own hand up to the receptor. See? It has correctly identified me as not a Saydeerian doppelganger.
Perfect!
Next up, the fecal emitters. Every home has one of these important, necessary tools to keep the Saydeerians away. And we all hate having to harvest Saydeerian brood-hoard scat to keep it full. And while the smell is absolutely repulsive to the invaders, it's not all that pleasant for us real-life human beings either. But you can mask some of that smell using a few drops of Saydeerian nutritional paste. And the best part is, you can find it in the very same place you harvest brood-hoard scat. It will be slightly purple and a little viscous and stored three to five feet away from the scat holes. And it doesn't take much, just a teensy little drop or two, and your fecal emitters will smell like spring rain, while still being completely and utterly abhorrent to the Saydeerian invaders.
Of which I am absolutely not one.
