art by Seth Alan Bareiss
What to Expect When You're Expecting an Alien Parasite
by Rebecca Adams Wright
***Editor's Warning: Even Humor can be disturbing, and for adults only***
Stage One
Pressure may build within the abdomen. The body may need to void itself. Due to the possibility of involuntary urination, you may wish to prepare for this stage by spending some time in the washroom. If remaining in the washroom for extended periods is impossible, lying down carefully in a nest of easy-to-wash material, such as worn towels and blankets, is the next best thing. It would be a good idea to lay a plastic tarp down beneath yourself. Be gentle with your belly and do not dread this stage unnecessarily--though potentially embarrassing, it never lasts long.
Stage Two
The vocal cords may begin to flutter spontaneously. Many find the best way to weather this stage is to embrace it. Sing opera, if you like opera. Pop songs are okay. Eccentrics have been known to yodel, and a number of naturalists spend this time emulating the calls of their favorite birds. Your voice will do what it is going to do; there is no reason to be self-conscious. A miracle is happening, remember that.
Stage Three
Restless leg syndrome descends. If you are very sure your body is finished with stage one, climb up on the stationary bicycle. Cycling is the best relief known for this stage. Do not have a stationary bike? Lie on your back and helicopter your legs in the air. If you no longer have legs, forget this stage. Spend a few quiet moments gathering your thoughts and preparing for:
Stage Four
The parasite will begin to move within you. Do not panic or try to stab the parasite with a sharp object. You will hemorrhage and may destroy the parasite’s fragile amniotic sac. Tears in the sac are disastrous for the unborn parasite and extremely unsafe for you, as the sac’s corrosive fluid has been known to eat its way through gristle and bone. Stay calm as the parasite climbs from your abdominal cavity to the base of your esophagus. If you feel a tickle in your throat, go ahead and laugh. That tickle is the parasite attaching itself to the vocal cords you warmed for it in Stage Two.
Stage Five
