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A Win For Time Poor People Everywhere

Tim Hawken is a writer who doesn't have time for long bios. You can check out his work at timhawken.com or stop by Instagram @tim_hawken to read one of the 100-word, art-inspired stories he drops most days.

The District Court has ruled in favor of a Florida woman today who is suing a customer service center for wasting her time. Zamazon kept Jill Thwaites, 38, on hold for six hours before telling her that the VR set up she wanted was no longer in stock, when the website said they had plenty of units available.
In a surprising twist, the court has upheld Ms. Thwaites' claim to have the time refunded via reverse aging stem cell technology. Instead of paying her minimum wage equivalent for the time, valued at $90, the treatment to effectively give her back a day of her life will cost $256,000.
"This is a win for those of us who have minutes and hours stolen from us every day, by people who don't realize they're killing us slowly," said Ms. Thwaites of the ruling. "They say you never get your time back. Well, with this new tech you can. It will shift the entire paradigm of how we look at unnecessary waiting. I'm now looking forward to filing a case against my ex-husband who wasted five years of my life before telling me he didn't want to have children."
A Zamazon spokesperson was unavailable for comment, but it's understood they are choosing not to appeal the ruling. There is concern that if they were to lose in the Supreme court, they would be liable for further wasting Jill Thwaites' time with fruitless legal procedures.
Litigators around the country are now preparing themselves for an avalanche of similar claims after this new precedent. Dates who have been stood up, people who have waited more than half an hour for pizza, and basically anyone with "high-speed" internet are all prime candidates for launching action. Writers who include unnecessary descriptions or have unsatisfying endings to long novels are also on notice. Journalists are being reminded yet again to keep their news stories as punchy as possible.
More on this story as it develops.
The End
This story was first published on Thursday, December 8th, 2022
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