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Things I Learned Today:

Kyle Aisteach's day job is teaching English at a college that went all virtual when the pandemic struck. Elements of this story may or may not have been inspired by real-life events.

1. Any toddler who manages to pick up a full gasoline can immediately gains the power to run at the speed of light and to pass through walls simply by turning the gas can upside down.
2. A stray cat with a burning rag tied to its tail develops the same abilities.
3. A toddler with a gas can is irresistibly drawn to a burning cat.
4. You should always wear pants in a Zoom meeting, even if you don't have children or cats.
5. I care more about cats than children.
6. Stray cats scratch whether you're trying to help or not, and don't stick around to say thank you after you get the burning rag off.
7. Standing half naked in a circle of flame, bleeding, holding up a burning rag and screaming "God damn it all!" is the actual ritual to open the hellmouth.
8. A Zoom connection is never more stable than when the actual fires of hell are engulfing your home office and a very important client is on the call.
9. Hell smells less like rotten eggs than it does like pumpkin spice.
10. Satan thought 2020 was hilarious.
11. It doesn't matter whose child it is, you can't blame a toddler for unleashing the apocalypse.
12. It doesn't matter whose cat it is, you can blame it for unleashing the apocalypse.
13. The devil really is a gambler.
14. Never let the devil pick the game.
15. If you agree to a pantsless Irish dance-off with Satan in your burning home office, your coworkers WILL start recording the Zoom meeting.
16. Always wear underwear that offers proper support.
17. Johnny wasn't such a hot fiddle player. The winner in a dance with the devil is whoever humiliates himself the most.
18. Satan thinks we're doing a great job of destroying ourselves and is perfectly willing to call off his own apocalypse when he loses a dance-off.
19. YouTube viewers of recorded Zoom disasters will totally miss the point.
20. Any toddler who burns down your house will go back to its mother giggling.
21. Any stray cat who burns down your house will expect you to feed it.
The End
This story was first published on Monday, March 8th, 2021
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